Self Discovery: Something New

And so it begins...

My journey of self discovery.  The quest for confidence. 

Today was better.  Everything will come together.  I was able to stay focused on school all day, and accomplish everything I needed to get done.  Not only that, but I also ran into one of my old zone leaders on campus!  He and I were able to just chat about life and the stuff we'd done in the past four weeks of being home.  It's always good to have someone to relate to.  

Every day this week, I am going to do something that I haven't done before but always wanted to try.  Tomorrow"s journey of self discovery will consist of doing something awesome:  Learning how to play tennis.  I've always wanted to play, but I don't know how!  So tomorrow, that's something I am determined to learn.  

Joy Valentine-Tennis player... It has a nice ring to it, right?  Pictures of the adventure to come!

Tornados

Something inside me just cannot sit still.  I don't feel right.  I don't feel whole.  I miss my badge.

This morning I spoke to a neighboring ward about my mission experiences.  However, I think I was almost more nervous for this talk.  I was in an unfamiliar ward, and there were many members of the leadership attending- Elder David F. Evans, two members of the Stake Presidency, and a couple high councilmen members.  I felt very intimidated!

I told a story about one of my first tornado experiences in Kentucky, and how, because we were prepared, we were unharmed.  I related it to the gospel; if we are prepared we are not harmed by the adversary.  

After speaking in that ward, I went late to my singles ward to catch the end of Sunday School and go to Relief Society.  My dear friend Marlayna gave me a hug right after the Sunday School lesson.  She could tell something was not right.  I cried as she sat and held my hand in silence.  My friend Alessandra came over, and rested her head on my shoulder.  We just sat.  

It was nice. 

In these moments, I am reminded to be still.  Be patient.  I try to merge this woman named "Joy" with this woman "Sister Valentine".  I have to find and combine the noble parts of each woman, and then be her.  It's a process.  It is sometimes overwhelming.  

As I sat there, I thought, "What would Sister Valentine do?"  The answer came to reach out to someone in need.  So I made that my goal today.  As I did so, I tried to be the best woman I could be by using attributes of both women. 

Today's tornado has come and gone.  It happened little by little.  Read my scriptures.  Give a talk.  Take the sacrament.  Hold a friends comforting hand.  Reach out to someone else.  Drink a diet coke.  Make cookies with my sister.  Write this post.  

All these little things help heal the big things that hurt.  I feel more myself than I did yesterday.  That's the ultimate goal here, right?  To become more ourselves, more like the children our Heavenly Father desires for us to become.  

I know I can overcome my tornados as long as I focus on my Savior.

Leaving For A Day

I'm in the car driving with my sister and mom to mom's big birthday surprise.  We have been doing fun things all day-yet I've struggles connecting emotionally to my family. I don't want to feel like this, people tell me I shouldnt feel like this, but I do anyway.
So I just need to stop. Thinking about my mission is too hard right now. I hate doing this to myself-pushing away my emotions- but I don't know what else to do today.

FAMILY!

Today I spent 7 hours in the car driving to Cedar City to pick up my brother Mason from SUU.  Meanwhile, my sister sacrificed hours of sleep to catch a plane from Georgia to Utah. 

My brother Dan hopped on the trax train and rode down from school.

Why were we all desperately trying to get together today?

For the ultimate Birthday Surprise for my mom!

We went to dinner at our families favorite Mexican Restaurant Cancun Cafe.  For the first time in 20 months, all 8 of my parents children were together.  

My family has been my solid rock.  When I have had a difficult time adjusting, my siblings are parents have been there to make me laugh, cheer me up, and remind me to live in the "here" and "now".  Tonight with them was a beautiful reminder of the precious gift God has given me-my family.  

I am so happy to see my sister.  Tomorrow I get to spend the day with Katie and mom.  I can't wait!  More to come!

The Coop

Alright... something totally awesome happened to me this last week.  I GOT A CAR.  Not just any car, but an adorable car!  A blue 2006 Mini Cooper to be exact!

But of course, there is always a catch (or two).  

I have never driven a manual car in my life.  And this little car of mine is a stick shift!  It's been rather humorous trying to learn how to drive this car, and stalling out frequently at the guard gate of the gated-community above my house (This happened 3 times, and the same guard was there every time, laughing away...).

Just as I was getting the hang of it (here comes the second catch) the clutch went out!  I was so sad!  Now my beautiful baby is the in shop having his clutch replaced.  

When I do get my car back, I'm looking forward to getting it all registered with actual plates.  I've been debating about getting a specialized license plate.  For years I've wanted to get plates that say, "Joyride" because I think it's quite comical.  Unfortunately, I looked on the DMV website, and that plate has already been taken.  

If you have an idea for a plate for me, let me know!

And if you see me stalling on the side of the road within the next few weeks-DON'T let me know.  Just pretend it never happened.

Ever.

Only Something to Share

My dear friend Tiffany from Nashville came to visit yesterday.  We fell asleep after hours of girl talk.  When we woke up in the morning, we continued chatting and chatting about our lives and catching up. I love her.  

She had a beautiful influence on me in Nashville.  Tiffany shared some precious and wonderful experiences with me.  One particular insight she shared with me on my mission was about the Book of Mormon.  She said, "We don't have anything to prove, we just have something to share."  I have thought of this phrase often on my mission, but even more often now that I have been home. 

I realized it has relevance to everything!!

With church, I cannot prove my talents, abilities, love, or friendship to others.  I can only share those things.  The same applies with dating, school, making new friends, working at a job... like I said: everything. 

It's been helping me a lot.  I feel less pressure to be a "cookie-cutter" returned missionary and have confidence to be me--Joy.  

The Greater the Struggle

After 18 months and 3 weeks of missionary service, I hugged my mom for the first time.  

Tears fell from my eyes as we laughed and hugged.

Sometimes we have moments in our lives where we want to quit-to give up, "throw in the towel", or just walk away.  A wise man told me, "The chiefest cause of failure is trading what we want most for what we want at the moment."

I had many moments on my mission where I felt I could give no more.  It was hard, and I was often exhausted.  But I knew I could not give up.  I had to go on-for my family, my future, and my God.

I was kept motivated as I reminded myself of the joy I would feel as I would be embraced in the arms of my mother and father.  And then on August 8, 2012 I felt that joy.  I knew I had worked hard, and ever second was worth it.

Now I need to remember what that embrace feels like.  It was the embrace of accomplishment and growth.  It was the love of a family, and the tears of joy.

When things have gotten hard since I have been home, I remind myself that tears of sorrow come.  That's okay.  But tears of joy come when we are triumphant.

"The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph."

-The Butterfly Circus

My goal this week is to be triumphant.

Stay tuned... :)

My Open Diary

Hello folks.  My name is Joy.  

Four weeks ago (FROM TODAY) I flew on a plane from Nashville to Detroit, and then from Detroit to Utah to be reunited with my family after 18 months of serving a full time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

It has been an adjustment.  

Feelings of loneliness, frustration and stress often bring me to tears.  

I am homesick for my mission.  Other times, I am incredibly awkward.  It is great.  

On my mission, I worked on a blog and talked about my love for God.  He has helped me through some great struggles.  I thought opening a new blog as I open a new chapter of life, would help me adjust.

So here it is... My open diary.

Oh!  Something to note for future humor...
-For every awkward experience, a mustache will appear in the post.  Why?  Because I find great comfort in mustaches.  It will make my awkward moments seem better.